You're completely useless in the revolution.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
