Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
