There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
