Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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