I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
