i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize