I think my vagina is haunted
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I want her autograph on my taint
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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