he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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