there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
