After last night, I could never be a politician.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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