you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize