you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
