Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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