We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
