in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
