If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
