wrigley field is MILF paradise
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
