come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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