if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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