he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
