i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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