my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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