My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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