Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Two words: blizzard sex
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
