Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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