Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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