I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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