Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
