Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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