Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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