People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
