Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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