we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
