He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
