sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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