I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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