he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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