I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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