I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
