I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
