Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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