I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
