Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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