My sheets look like a crime scene.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
