rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
