Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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