We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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