captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
