I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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