He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
