I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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