mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
