Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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