WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
