so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize