Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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