hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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