hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
