i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
