i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
